Are Your Friends Bad for Your Relationship?

Are Your Friends Bad for Your Relationship? - Some friendships can take a serious toll on your relationship with your honey. Here’s who to watch out for before your misguided “pals” push your partner away for good.

Ex-Boyfriend’s Mom

You and your ex called it quits, but that doesn’t mean your newfound shopping friend did. The only issue? It’s your ex’s mom! She emailed you saying how much she wanted to stay friends. You always liked her, so you said yes -- and now you’re Facebook friends, email buddies and, about once a month or so, brunch dates.

The risk: C’mon, let’s be honest: Would you appreciate your spouse hanging out with his ex’s mom? If you’re hanging out this much with an ex’s anything or anyone, it might be a sign that you’re not over him, or that you’re not ready to leave that chapter of your life behind. Find a new brunch friend and end it. It’s not worth jeopardizing your relationship.

Husband-Hater

Ever since you got married, she rolls her eyes whenever you mention anything having to do with your guy. She just can’t get over that you got married and that you have a new person you tell all your secrets to. Meanwhile, she expects you to talk for hours about every detail of her relationship.

The risk: All those negative comments only sour your relationship with your man. Bottom line: Her malicious comments about him aren’t helping anymore. Whatever you do, don’t turn to her to vent when you have a tiff with your guy -- she’ll definitely only make matters worse.

Baby-Crazed Friend

One of your best friends is now a mama, and while you had fun picking out onesies and nursery swag, now everything she talks about is baby-related. She’s so consumed with being a mom that you feel like you barely know each other anymore -- plus, she just won’t quit asking when you and your guy are going to start “trying” (a discussion you two haven’t even had yet).

The risk: You’ll start to worry about timing with your spouse, and she might just talk you into having the discussion a little too early for his (and even your!) liking. If you don’t want a baby just yet, don’t let anyone pressure you into addressing that stage too early. So ask her to cool it and enforce a “no baby talk” get-together once a month.

Schoolgirl Crush

Before you met the now-love-of-your-life, you had a thing for that cutie you’ve known forever -- and you’re still friends. You always wondered “what if?” but nothing ever seems to happen. When he calls, you can’t help but break into a smile.

The risk: Those grins haven’t gone unnoticed. This provides perfect ammo for any argument you have with your partner, because why is he still in your phone anyway? Do yourself a favor and delete him. You had your chance, and it never worked out for a reason.

The Party Dude

You were best friends in college and inseparable till graduation. But while you’ve moved on to bigger and better things, he’s still staying out all hours of the night and having one-night stands. It doesn’t help that his most recent one-nighter was with your boyfriend’s sister (whom he begged you to set him up with and then never called again).

The risk: Besides totally pissing off your boyfriend and his sister (who now thinks you’re a total jerk for setting her up with someone like him), his remarks on how you’re “so whipped” after awhile start to hit a nerve. Try to see him for special crazy nights once in a blue moon.… And please, stop setting him up with people you or your boyfriend know. ( thenest.com )

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Problems in the bedroom? It could be because your partner gets on too well with your friends

Problems in the bedroom? It could be because your partner gets on too well with your friends - 'Partner betweeness’ - where a girlfriend or wife comes between a man and his friends - linked to erectile dysfunction - Men who do not have enough time to spend with their friends can feel resentful and less attracted to their partner

Men whose girlfriends are too friendly with their mates suffer in the bedroom, researchers say.

A study by Cornell University found that older men who do all their socialising alongside their other halves are more likely to suffer from erectile dysfunction.

The phenonomon was dubbed ‘partner betweeness’ - where a romantic partner comes between a man and his friends.

Scientists say men who experience partner betweenness in their joint relationships are more likely to have trouble getting an erection

Around 25 per cent of the men surveyed experiences this uncomfortable state.

Benjamin Cornwell, who carried out the research with Edward Laumann of the University of Chicago, said: 'Men who experience partner betweenness in their joint relationships are more likely to have trouble getting or maintaining an erection and are also more likely to experience difficulty achieving orgasm during sex.'

The pair say that partner betweenness undermines men’s feelings of autonomy and privacy, which are central to traditional concepts of masculinity.

They warned that women who try to micro-manage their husband’s social lives may also be storing up problems for themselves.

The US scientists also found men who do not have enough spare time to spend with their own friends, can feel less attracted to their partner.

The authors said there is nothing wrong with the wife doing most of the organising of their social activities – as women tend to be more organised.

But they said reducing his contact with his friends to the point that all your socialising is done together can be dangerous. It suggests wives should encourage their husbands to spend time alone with male friends – even the ones they don’t like.

Professor Benjamin Cornwell, of Cornell University added: ‘There is a bit of a gate-keeper aspect that probably troubles some men.

‘They key issue is whether it reduces his contact with his friends while it increases hers – for example she alters his social schedule to the point that his contact with his friends increasingly occurs in the context of couple’s dinners.

‘A man’s ability to play a round of golf or to have a few drinks with a friend who has only a passing acquaintance to his wife or girlfriend is crucial to preserving some independence in everyday life.

‘If he has to bring his wife along every time they meet, or his wife starts monopolising that friend, that’s when problems may arise.’

The researchers analysed data from the National Social Life, Health and Aging Project, a 2005 survey of 3,000 people in Chicago, who were aged 57 to 85.

Co-author Edward Laumann, a professor of sociology at the University of Chicago said: ‘He needs to have someone to talk to about the things that matter to him – whether its football, politics, what car he is going to buy or worries about his health or his job.

‘The important thing is that he can let it all hang out and know that what he says isn’t going to get straight back to his wife.’ ( dailymail.co.uk )

READ MORE - Problems in the bedroom? It could be because your partner gets on too well with your friends

‘Snuggie Sutra’ seduces couch potatoes

‘Snuggie Sutra’ seduces couch potatoes - New book features sexual positions for wearable-blanket fans - It was bound to happen.

The Snuggie has been taken to highs (a fashion show during New York Fashion Week) and lows (just about any YouTube odd usage video), it’s been resized for men, women, children and pets, been stamped with team logos and made pink to raise money for breast cancer research and now, it’s a sex symbol.

Lex Friedman and Megan Morrison created the “Snuggie Sutra” as a kind of joke on Morrison, who is an avowed Snuggie fan. The “Snuggie Sutra” website begat the “Snuggie Sutra” book (St. Martin’s Press, $9.99) and these two are now turning couch potatoes into hot potatoes.

It all started at a party, Morrison told TODAYshow.com. Friedman clarified: “Megan was being mocked for owning a Snuggie in the first place, and rightly so. Then she started showing us — acting out what could be done and we realized she had something.”

Morrison, a graphic designer, and Friedman, a web producer who dabbles in humor (he operated HiremeJimmyFallon.com in an attempt to get a job writing jokes for the comedian), turned out to be perfectly complementary partners and created the SnuggieSutra.com website, though not without some research.

The “Snuggie Sutra” book offers illustrations of sexual positions for Snuggie fans

“We have some very confident and flexible friends who acted out all the positions fully clothed,” Morrison said. “It only took a couple bottles of wine.”

Once their website went viral (Conan O’Brien even mentioned it on the “Tonight Show”) and the Snuggie company “embraced their own sexiness,” Friedman said, with the aforementioned fashion show, publishers came calling, with the book being the result.

The book contains very easy-to-follow illustrations for some traditional positions, including “The Manket” — where the man wears the Snuggie on his back while he covers his partner, keeping her warm — to more adventurous positions such as “The Banana Split,” which really has to be seen to be understood. There’s even some role playing, such as the “The Matador,” which uses the Snuggie as a prop.

The book is setting up to be a big item for holiday gift-giving. “In addition to being available wherever books are sold, Urban Outfitters and Spencer Gifts have picked it up,” Friedman said, though he’ll be getting a gift of another kind.

The father of two is soon expecting a third child, and while he won’t confirm this is a result of the Snuggie Sutra — “I don’t Snuggie and tell” — he did say, “I can confirm all of the positions are possible.” ( msnbc )

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Is Dora the Explorer an illegal immigrant?

Is Dora the Explorer an illegal immigrant?. Campaigners against a controversial new immigration law in the US state of Arizona have adopted a popular children's cartoon character as a symbol of their cause.

Dora the Explorer has taught millions of American children basic Spanish phrases on her Nickelodeon TV show.

But a doctored image on the internet now shows the cartoon heroine with a black eye in a police mugshot.

Her alleged crimes? Illegal border crossing and resisting arrest.

Is Dora the Explorer an illegal immigrant?

Several websites, including the influential Huffington Post, have run satirical stories describing Dora's capture by the immigration authorities.

One picture circulating on Facebook shows her vaulting over the fence on the US-Mexican border.

Another shows an advert for a mock television show entitled Dora the Illegal Immigrant.

Meanwhile, some anti-immigration sites have questioned whether the character is part of a conspiracy to persuade Americans to welcome migrants from Latin America.

Global empire

For almost a decade, the doe-eyed cartoon heroine has been one of the most prominent Hispanic characters on children's television in the US.

Her TV show has spawned a global empire, with her smiling face appearing on everything from lunch boxes to computer games.

But as the controversy over illegal immigration has intensified, Dora has been drawn into the political debate.

Most of the websites that have appropriated her image assume she is a migrant from Mexico.

Dora has brown skin, dark hair, and speaks Spanish with an American accent. She lives in a tropical country with pyramids, accompanied by friends Boots the Monkey and Isa the Iguana.

But Nickelodeon has declined to comment on her background, and her place of birth and citizenship have never been made clear.

The Dora police mugshot was originally created last year by Debbie Groben of Sarasota, Florida, for a contest on the fake news site FreakingNews.com.

Last month, Arizona passed a law requiring police, in the context of enforcing other laws, to question people about their immigration status if they have reasonable suspicion they are in the US illegally.

Opponents have rallied against the measure, saying it it will encourage racial profiling of Hispanics, who make up three-quarters of the estimated 12 million illegal immigrants in the US.( bbc.co.uk )

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More Young Women, 18-30, Report Low Libido

More Young Women, 18-30, Report Low Libido. Sexperts Say Women are Stressed; Birth Control and Antidepressants Are Also to Blame. Iris, a young woman from North Carolina, can't understand why she has no sexual desire -- she is only 30 and in love.

"It distresses me because I will marry soon and I know this will create a lot of tension in my marriage," Iris (not her real name) wrote to ABCNews.com.

Iris is one of an increasing number of women in the prime of life and at the height of their fertility who have lost their sexual desire, according to medical experts and a growing body of research.

Stress, depression and bad relationships can contribute to low libido, but often birth control pills or antidepressants are the culprit.

A 2010 study by the International Society for the Study of Women's Sexual Health found many young women experienced guilt and distress over their sex lives.

A cross-sectional study of 31,000 U.S. females 18 and older published in 2008 in Obstetrics and Gynecology magazine, about 43 percent of women reported sexual problems.

Of those aged 18 to 44, about 10 percent complained about low sexual desire -- or what is called hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), according to the study, Prevalence of Female Sexual Problems Associated with Distress and Determinants of Treatment Seeking (PRESIDE).

"It's a real diagnosis," said Dr. Carolyn Nemec, a women's health specialist in the department of family medicine at the Cleveland Clinic. "It's very surprising and we are missing the boat if we don't talk about younger women."

"We always think of it as something that women go through at menopause, but millions of American women are affected," she said. "It's a complex issue and women's libidos are complex."

In 2002, the American Psychiatric Association categorized HSDD in its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) as any persistent lack of sexual desire that causes a woman distress.

The disorder was most common in women aged 45 to 64 at 14.8 percent.

It's not so much the lack of libido that characterizes the disorder, but the amount of anxiety it causes. Even though post menopausal women report less sexual desire, only about 8 percent are diagnosed with HSDD, because they are not distressed, according to the PRESIDE study.

"I think a lot of women are distressed out there and feel bad and think something is wrong with them," said Nemec. "The younger patients hear so much about menopause and a lot of these women -- aged 18 to 30 -- don't feel they have a voice. We need to focus on them."

Up to 40 percent of all women who have been diagnosed with HSDD also report depression, she said. And for those who are on antidepressants like SSRIs, as many as half can experience a decrease in desire.

Birth Control, Antidepressants Can Cause Low Desire

Birth control pills that contain estrogen and progesterone can also be to blame.

"They increase sex-binding globulin, a protein in the blood stream that binds with our testosterone and testosterone is one of the central hormones in desire," said Nemec.

When she rules out all other causes of low libido, Nemec will often recommend trying a different antidepressant or decreased dosages. Sometimes, she'll ask the woman to go on a "drug holiday," to restart her libido.

For women, sexual desire is a complex psychological and physiological phenomenon.

Some of Nemec's patients are young women who have just had a baby and trying to reignite desire after a pregnancy. But others are single women in their 20s who began having sex just to keep up with their peers.

"I call it the 'going along syndrome,'" she said. "By 17 they are sexually active and go along with sex, even if it doesn't feel good or they don't have a libido. If they go along at 18 or 20, they continue after they are married."

The danger is that if they don't deal with the issues of desire until they are older, "the husband finally gets Viagra at 60 and she's really in trouble."

That may have been the case with Joan (not her real name), a Texas woman who wrote to ABCNews.com.

"I have never had a libido, nor an orgasm," said the 52-year-old. "I have looked for ways with creams and pills but to no avail."

"I would love to find something to give me that feeling of wanting to have sex," she said.

Sometimes loss of desire is exacerbated by other physical problems. One of Nemec's patients, a 25-year-old newlywed, has a rare condition known as vulvar vestibulitis.

Jane, not her real name, has chronic vaginal pain -- a feeling of "burning and raw skin" -- and hasn't been intimate with her husband in months.

"I went off birth control pills, tried dilators and physical therapy and every cream in the world," she said. "I even tried Botox, but it didn't help."

"Every now and then I have the desire or urge, but then I just think about it being painful," said Jane, an occupational therapist.

She's lucky to have a supportive boyfriend, but it still takes its toll.

"In media everything is sex-based, and it's hard because you don't feel sexy," she said. "I have had this for so long, I am trying to build my self esteem in other ways."

For most women, low libido can be diagnosed with a five-question diagnostic tool that is now recommended by the Food and Drug Administration.

The questionnaire was developed by the German-based pharmaceutical company Boehringer Ingelheim.

Some critics point to the pharmaceutical companies for creating new diagnoses like HSDD for the sake of drug sales.

Just last November, Boehringer Ingelheim hailed its drug flibanserin as the new female Viagra. It funded a random, double-blind international study that showed the drug appeared to increase sexual desire by enhancing mood.

The PRESIDE study was also funded by Boehringer.

Study author Dr. Jan Shifren told ABCNews.com last year that women who have no sexual desire should not be "medicalized," but for those who were bothered by their lack of desire, "this group of women deserves effective treatment."

"If an effective and safe medication is identified, it should be available to women, but given potential risks and side effects, drug therapy always should be considered a last resort," said Shifren, who is director of the Menopause Program in the Massachusetts General Hospital Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology.

"Women in good relationships who are physically and psychologically healthy are generally satisfied with their sex lives -- and you'll never find this in a medicine cabinet," she said.

Too Much Pressure on Women to Be Sexy

But Judith Steinhart, a health and sexuality consultant certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists, said today's young women -- and men -- feel the pressure to be "sex pots."

Steinhart argues that the medical and pharmaceutical community is dictating new norms: "Whose definition of sexual desire are we talking about?" asked the New York City sex educator.

"Is it lack of sexual desire or do we have expectations that we are supposed to be hypersexualized women at 16, 26, 36 and so on?" asked Steinhart.

"Take a look at any MTV video or at Beyonce," she said. "Who can even move that way? She works so hard on the dance floor, I'll bet she goes to sleep early, too."

Men have a built-in "biofeedback mechanism" for desire, according to Steinhart. "When they are aroused they can see their erection and it reinforces their arousal. Women don't have the parallel opportunity."

"[Young women] are so tired from working so hard that they think sex is supposed to be a release and a relief and often it isn't," she said.

"A lot of women say the best part of traveling is the hotel room with the giant bed and the clean sheets and no children crying and a husband who wants something from them," said Steinhart. "Truthfully, women have always been this way."

But Jenn Berman, whose radio show, "Cosmo's Love and Sex Doctor" airs on Sirius XM, said the new economy is taking a toll on the sex drive of young women.

"One reason is stress," said the Los Angeles therapist. "It's a libido killer."

"Right now, people are losing jobs and working longer hours," said Berman. "They are doing two or three people's jobs and taking pay decreases. They are exhausted."

Women are often the primary breadwinner or are under pressure to make up for the family's financial shortages.

"From what I am seeing young women are feeling older than their age," said Berman. "They have diminished sex libido and are too tired to care."

Just because a woman has low sex drive now, doesn't mean it's permanent.

"Most people don't realize that their sex lives ebb and flow throughout a lifetime," said Berman. "It can be low this week and the next month the couple is having sex five times a week. All is not lost."

"Couples who just gave birth are unlikely to be going at it," she said. "But when the kids have left for college and there's an empty nest, there is a revival of the sex drive." ( ABCNews.com )

READ MORE - More Young Women, 18-30, Report Low Libido

Enjoy sex during pregnancy

Enjoy sex during pregnancy. Can pregnancy and sex go hand in hand? Yes they can, because great sex requires a flexibility of thought, and a willingness to discover the unknown.

Pregnancy is the most beautiful phase of a woman's life, but that doesn't mean putting a lid on one's sexual desires. Yet, sex during pregnancy remains a big taboo. A study at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill suggests that sex may actually be beneficial in encouraging pregnancies to go full-term.

"During the first trimester we avoided having intercourse as it was a strict no no from my gynecologist. But yes, intimate the sensations seemed heightened, despite the initial, 'Oh my gosh, are we going to hurt the baby?' Now in the second trimester, it's becoming a little more awkward, especially now that I'm showing. We've had to adjust a little bit, position-wise, but the intimacy hasn't changed," says Renuka Roy (name changed), a marketing executive with a MNC.

Change is quite evident, both physically and emotionally during pregnancy. There is also a change in one's innate beliefs. Women may feel large and uncomfortable, whereas men generally find the pregnant body very erotic and desirable. Dr. Rajan B Bhonsle, Hon. Prof & HOD Dept of Sexual Medicine KEM Hospital explains, "The first three months are very delicate and we advise no sex. Intercourse and intimacy are two very different things. Getting intimate is advised, but definitely not intercourse. Moreover, one should try and understand the emotional changes a woman undergoes. The desire to be a mother is very high in her. At this stage, there is also an increase in vaginal lubrication."

"Due to some medical problem, my doctor advised me to abstain from intercourse. Even having an orgasm was banned at week 15. Now I am in my second trimester and I think the lack of sex has created a distance between me and my husband. I am afraid we won't get the magic back when there's a newborn baby in the house" affirms Nishta Chopra, a teacher.

"The hormonal fluctuations in a woman during pregnancy also play an important part in her reactions to making love, as do the trimesters. Many women are too fatigued and nauseated to be interested in sex during the first trimester, while the second trimester brings on a new sense of delight as her abdomen grows, and again later in the third trimester the desire may wane," explains Dr. Bhonsle

One should clearly understand that sex and sexuality are very different entities and a woman can express her sexuality even without having actual sexual intercourse. A couple may choose to give each other sexual and sensual pleasures like kissing, cuddling and caressing to bring each other closer.

Sex positions:

A pregnant woman is very fragile; therefore, sex during pregnancy is something that has to be handled with great care. Dr. Bhonsle elucidates, "the woman on top is always a safe position. The man on top is not recommended as its might hurt the woman's belly. The spoon position is also advised in this period.

The most important thing is that the man should respect his partner's body which is going through phenomenal changes and take special care of her". Apart from these reccomendations, Dr Bhonsle strongly advices, "staying away from oral sex (cunnilingus) as it may be harmful for the woman. There is a fear of air been blown in the vagina."

As a general rule, a good position for sex during pregnancy is one where:

Both partners are physically comfortable.
The position should allow for the kind of sex and physical contact you want to have.
Both partners must avoid putting pressure on a woman's uterus, or a partner's full weight on the pregnant belly.
There are many positions that are more comfortable. Few of them are:

Woman on top
Spooning (Man behind woman, rear entry)
Hands and Knees
Sexual practices during pregnancy will depend on:

Your previous beliefs about sex
Physical aspects of your pregnancy
Emotional aspects of your pregnancy
Or more bluntly put, whatever works!
When not to have sex and/or orgasms during pregnancy:

Your practitioner has advised against it
You have a history of premature birth or labor
Placenta previa (where part of the placenta is covering the cervix)
Your water has broken
You are currently experiencing bleeding
You or your partner is affected by STD

( indiatimes.com )

READ MORE - Enjoy sex during pregnancy

Laid Off? Your 'Get Hired' Plan

Laid Off? Your 'Get Hired' Plan. Tips from Martha Finney, author of "Rebound: A Proven Plan for Starting Over After Job Loss". Unless you're in complete denial of what's happening in the world around you, by now you're well-aware that layoffs are rampant in today's economy.

In February 2009* alone, employers made 2,769 mass layoffs compared with 1,672 mass layoffs in the same month last year, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Each layoff involved at least 50 people from a single employer filing for unemployment insurance. Since December 2007, when the recession was declared to have started, there have been 28,481 mass layoffs, and more than 2.9 million people have filed for unemployment benefits during that time.

The numbers show that it no longer matters if you've been with a company for 15 years, if you're highly educated, if you're a top performer or even if you're friends with the boss. Layoffs are happening, and they are happening to everyone.

"If the company is determined to cut head count by a certain percentage, no amount of exposure, of reminding the boss how successful you've been in helping the company achieve its goals, will save your job," says Martha Finney, author of "Rebound: A Proven Plan for Starting Over After Job Loss" (FT Press). "They'll miss you when you're gone, but they've already determined that you're gone anyway."

Voice of experience

Charles** worked for a family-owned real-estate and agricultural business for 10 years. He has two master's degrees, moved up quickly within the company and had a long-term plan to take over the IT department.

When the housing market collapsed, the company began to go through some tough times and it became evident to Charles that companywide layoffs were on the horizon.

"I honestly thought I was safe because I had really good rapport with the family," he says. "My boss's boss was the CFO and he had asked me work on a special project analyzing some of the various business units and what it would cost to dispose of them. He told me not to read anything into that. 'Don't worry about things,' he said."

When the project was finished, Charles was laid off.

"I thought I'd work for this company for the rest of my life. I believed that good work would give me job security. As long as I do really good work, why would a company let me go?" he says. "Even though I knew trouble was on the way, I thought I was in a good position because I had multiple talents and had worked for every operation there. If you're going to shrink your work force, you'd think you would keep people who can do multiple things."

Now what?

Charles' story is probably much like your own if you were laid off -- you were shocked, angry and bitter, and your confidence was shaken. But the worst thing you can do is blame yourself.

"Recognize that this period of layoffs is just another moment in time, having nothing to do with your essential value and meaning," Finney says.

Now that you've come to terms with your many emotions, what you need is a plan.

In her book, Finney teamed up with Bill Berman, Ph.D., a Connecticut-based corporate psychologist, to come up with steps to take toward getting hired.

(And no, tapping away on your laptop while you're stretched out on the sofa in your PJs doesn't count.)

1. Take some time to stop

Take a step back and figure out where you stand. Know how long you can afford to explore your possibilities and where you want to go next.

"The worst thing you can do when you get laid off is run right out and grab whatever you can," Berman says. "Step back and think about what you want to do, what you loved about the work you were doing before and how it matches with what you want to be doing one year, three years, five years from now."

2. Build your network list and start using it

Your network will be your biggest ally in your job search. Your friends, their friends and the friends of those people will surprise you when they show a genuine interest in helping you.

Berman suggests thinking broadly about whom you know and being upfront with them about your job search.

"Think back to the people you worked with five, 10, 15 years ago and don't e-mail them. There's no substitute for a phone call," he says.

3. Get dressed!

Now isn't the time to explore your quirky bohemian phase, unless it's the course you've decided to take for the next phase of your life, Finney says.

"Treat your job search project as you would a regular full-time job. Get out of the jammies and put on something you would wear to work at your old job," she says. "When you wear the uniform of your role, you stay in touch with that side of who you are. No one I can think of is in the market to hire Mr. Scratchy Pajama Bottoms."

4. Set regular working hours that match a conventional workday

Finney says that any self-employed person will tell you that choosing your own hours is both a joy and a curse. Sure, you don't have to work while everyone is, but that usually means that you won't be having fun when everyone else is, either.

"If you work nine to five on your job hunting assignment, then absolutely you can take weekends off," Berman says. "The reason why people work on weekends and at night on looking for a new job is because they screwed around all day."

5. Establish a structure against which you'll achieve and measure your goals

Identify specific ways you'll approach your job search by outlining how many tasks you'll do each day and what they are specifically. Make a list of the phone calls you'll make and the names you'll look up, Finney suggests.

"If you set a goal, you're going to be able to work toward that goal," Berman says. "Set very specific goals, make them things you think you can actually do, and then make them non-negotiable."

6. Dismiss the derailers

Undoubtedly, job searching is a pain in the rear. The process is lengthy, at best, and it's easy to get discouraged along the way. The feeling of panic that you have to have a job now! is a derailer, as are mean-spirited friends who undermine your confidence, well-meaning family who are concerned and your own ego, which tells you that if you were truly a good provider, you would have a job by now, Finney says.

"You might not be able to see them coming, but you can spot them for what they are," she says. "Shrug them off. Some people mean well, some people are just, well, mean. Either way, that's not your focus right now." ( msn.com )

READ MORE - Laid Off? Your 'Get Hired' Plan

What Makes You Different From the Other Job Seekers?

What Makes You Different From the Other Job Seekers?. You're special. Your mom and dad told you. Your Little League coach told you. You tell yourself in the mirror every morning.

Anyone who encounters you must recognize what a unique snowflake you are, right?

Maybe, but not necessarily. If you're looking for a job, don't assume the hiring manager is going to look at your cover letter and think, "This job candidate is The One." That could happen, but you should do all you can to make that realization occur.

In the interest of spreading the word about your unparalleled qualifications and stunning personality, we've compiled some questions you should ask yourself at each stage of the job-hunting process. Some of these questions can apply to each stage.

When writing the résumé

Q. What about my education sets me apart?

A. Although degrees are more common than they once were, not each one is created equal. Most programs have enough freedom built in to them to allow students to customize their courses. The combination of your major and minor or your courses can give you a background that no one else has.

Q. Do I care about all of this?

A. This résumé is about you, so you probably have more interest in it than the average employer, but if you're bored, everyone else will be, too. If your attempt to show how unique you are results in a dense list of your jobs and skills that make the page look like one huge block of text, you're probably not focusing enough. Keep details short, informative and, above all else, relevant. Your paper route in junior high doesn't matter if you're 25 and have a college degree.

Your GPA, awards and recognition are good examples of items that do set you apart. They won't land you the job by themselves, but they are additional assets that can differentiate you from the next résumé in the stack.

When writing your cover letter

Q. What's implied on the résumé but not explicitly stated?

A. Have someone else read your résumé and explain your strong points to you. If you don't hear something you were expecting, figure out why. You might think your extensive work history painted a clear picture for readers, but it might not. The cover letter is your chance to connect the dots and (eloquently) tell the hiring manger, "Hey, look what I have to offer!"

Maybe your internship with an employer was more involved and relevant to the position you're seeking than the résumé suggests. Go into details and prove why that experience matters to this job.

Q. Does this sound like me or like Janet Q. Jobseeker?

A. Professionalism is key in a cover letter, but so is your personality. Now is not the time to be a comedian, but if your cover letter could have been written by any other applicant and been about any other applicant, then it's not special. As a result, the employer won't think you're special.

If you have extensive knowledge of the industry, have a contact at the company or possess strong communication skills, don't be afraid to let it shine through.

When interviewing

Q. Would I hire me?

A. An interview is basically an extended, interactive form of this question. If you get an interview the employer thinks you fit the job requirements, but whether or not you're the perfect candidate is still in question. In addition to elaborating on your skills, only one thing can make or break you at this point: your personality.

Your personality is unique to you, so don't be scared to let it show. As with the cover letter, don't be so casual that you come off as unprofessional, but now is the time to show your sense of humor and your interpersonal communication skills. Fading into the background will only help you be forgotten.

Q. What is the one thing I want the hiring manager know about?

A. Hiring managers don't know you, so they're probably asking you the same questions they asked other candidates. If you want to prove that you're a three-dimensional person who exists beyond undergrad business courses, have an actual dialogue. A hiring manager doesn't need you to echo everything he or she already read about you.

The time you helped your group tackle a problem during a brainstorming session? The interesting marketing book you just read that has given you some new ideas? Let these facts out if they're relevant to the conversation.

Q. Why do I want to work here?

A. Interviewers often ask this question of candidates, and candidates have learned to come armed with a response. But do you know why you want to work there or do you just know what you want them to think?

Everyone wants to be hired so they can get a paycheck, add another line to their résumé and move up the chain. Do you want to transition into a new industry? Do you think you can bring a fresh perspective to the company (without sounding arrogant)? Does the position sound like the one you've been preparing for and you have the experience to show for it? You need to know the answer and believe it before you walk into the interview. ( msn.com )

READ MORE - What Makes You Different From the Other Job Seekers?

Job Search Advice Worth Ignoring

Job Search Advice Worth Ignoring. If you're looking for a job, chances are you're getting advice from a host of people -- your spouse, friends, former co-workers, maybe even your parents. Everyone means well, but not all of the tips you receive are valuable. In fact, some advice could even be harmful to your job search. How do you know which advice you should pay attention to and which you should ignore? Following are some words of wisdom you might not want to follow:

'You should ... blanket the market with résumés.'

Some people think you should send résumés to every job opening that interests you. The problem with this theory is that it assumes you are qualified for each of those positions, which may not be the case. If you apply to every job posting you see, whether you're qualified or not, you'll waste your time. Instead, identify positions that are a strong fit with your skills and experience, and research the employers to determine how you can meet their unique needs. By being selective and focusing your efforts on these roles only, then targeting your résumé to each opening, you give yourself a much better chance of finding the job you want.

'You should ... have a lot of contacts, even if they're not all close.'

When searching for employment, it pays to have as many contacts as possible. After all, the majority of jobs are still filled by word of mouth. But knowing someone won't do you much good on the job hunt if you don't know him or her very well. The people in the best position to aid in your search are those who understand the type of position you seek and the unique skills you can offer an employer. Armed with this knowledge, those in your network can keep an eye out for job leads that might fit your career goals and refer you to companies that are hiring. In addition, prospective employers may reach out to your contacts during the hiring process -- especially people who are linked to you through social networking Web sites. You want hiring managers to reach out to people who can speak knowledgeably about your professional abilities.

When establishing new relationships, go out of your way to make sure they will last. That means continually following up with those you've met -- by sending them articles of interest, for example, or meeting them for coffee on occasion -- and offering to help them first before you ask for assistance yourself.

'You should ... focus all of your efforts online.'

The Internet is a valuable tool for job seekers. Along with the aforementioned social networking sites, job boards, company Web sites and industry-related forums can also play a part in your search. But the Internet shouldn't be your only avenue for finding employment. In fact, one of the most effective ways to hear of opportunities -- and potentially land a new position -- is through face-to-face networking. So instead of putting all of your job search eggs into just one basket, attend trade shows, job fairs and conferences. And don't forget industry print publications, which can be good sources for job leads that you won't find online.

'You should ... skip the cover letter when applying online.'

Many people think that a cover letter is unnecessary when submitting a résumé online, whether by e-mail or through a Web site. This is a mistake, for a few reasons. First, because the cover letter is the initial document a hiring manager sees, it's your chance to make a strong impression. Second, the ability to express yourself well with the written word is a highly sought-after skill, something your cover letter can demonstrate. Third, if your résumé has something a hiring manager might question, such as a gap in employment, a cover letter is where you can provide clarification. And finally, executives understand a cover letter's worth. According to a Robert Half survey, 86 percent of executives polled said cover letters are valuable when evaluating prospective job candidates. Remember, your cover letter doesn't have to be a separate attachment; it can be the e-mail message itself.

You should always appreciate the job search advice that people give you, but take the suggestions with a grain of salt. Remember, you're the one looking for a job, so you need to be selective and apply the advice that works best for you. ( msn.com )

READ MORE - Job Search Advice Worth Ignoring

Time for Extreme Makeover?

Time for Extreme Makeover?. Forget the flip-flops -- in a tough economy, sloppy grooming won't cut it. Stephen Staffieri of New York always considered himself pretty stylish, but he started to wonder about his look after several job interviews led nowhere.

Out of work since he was laid off in August from his job as a campus recruiter for JPMorgan, Staffieri, 28, knew he had the credentials to find another position in human resources. But something seemed to be holding him back.

He sought advice from David A. McKnight, an image consultant he met through a mutual friend. Staffieri's appearance is now more polished -- and his confidence level has exploded.

Sloppy attire and a lack of grooming are just not going to cut it in this economy, human resource managers say, no matter what the industry. So you may have to turn up the style-o-meter. Hiring managers already are noticing that a growing number of job seekers seem to be dressing for success.

Staffieri's image tweaks included tailoring his suit so it fit properly; getting rid of the cloth messenger bag he slung over his shoulder and replacing it with a briefcase; exchanging his comfortable shoes for a shiny, leather pair; and combing his hair to the side instead of the middle to mask his receding hairline.

"I feel like a million dollars," he said, adding that he's now doing better in interviews.

Many employers around the country are inundated with qualified and overqualified applicants for every job they need to fill, which means they can be pickier than ever. And I don't mean just choosy when it comes to job qualifications.

"They have to stand out from the rest, in the right way," said Chris Cappas, vice president of employment and training for Harrah's Las Vegas region. That means no halter tops or flip-flops, even if you're just coming in to fill out an application. "The competition is fierce."

Appearance can separate you from the pack, said John Haynes, human resource director for Johnson Controls Inc. in Capital Heights, Md. "It can (even) help you lose an opportunity if you don't present well."

Fierce competition

Miller Canning learned that lesson after she was laid off from her job doing Web strategy for a homebuilder 18 months ago. For the first time in her technology career, she had trouble finding a new gig.

"I was stunned I wasn't getting any offers," she recalled. "My resume is robust."

Canning, 51, who lived in Washington and recently relocated to Charlotte, N.C., looked in the mirror.

She had been letting her hair go gray and was used to the casual dress in the technology industry. In interviews, she usually wore casual trousers and a shirt, sometimes a denim jacket.

She decided it was time for an image overhaul. She dyed her hair, bought a killer brown wrap dress and beefed up her accessories.

Her reinvented look paid off. She landed a job in e-commerce with home improvement company Lowe's and started work on April 13.

"Competition is just so fierce right now," she said. "You need any edge that you can get."

I know, it's disheartening to hear that you won't be judged solely on experience and background but also by the way you look.

Unfortunately, that's just part of human nature, and the tough economy is only making image more important, said David Sarwer, associate professor of psychology for the Center for Human Appearance at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine.

"For hiring managers, it's clearly a buyer's market," he said. "They can be more selective ... not only hold out for the most qualified but the person who's the most physically attractive."

That doesn't mean you have to take drastic measures to improve your appearance. With so much hype about plastic surgery and job seeking lately, the reality is that the number of people choosing to go under the knife is actually on the decline.

What hiring managers say they are looking for is not someone who has skin that's as taut as a piano string but someone who looks put together and professional.

Job seekers may even want to consider dropping a few pounds.

Weight Watchers has seen an influx of unemployed people signing up recently, said Aransas Thomas, who leads classes in New York.

"I see people coming in who are feeling crummy about themselves because they're out of work, and most have a reduction in confidence," she added.

The key, she said, is feeling better about you -- both internally and externally.

Sadly, bias against overweight people is a reality in the workplace.

"It appears being overweight can work against you, particularly women. Being obese works against both men and women," said Patricia Roehling, professor of psychology at Hope College in Holland, Mich., who has studied the impact of weight among managers in corporate America.

Alas, there are no federal laws and few state laws that protect individuals who are discriminated against based on their weight or their lack of attractiveness.

And attractiveness is subjective, said David Grinberg, a spokesman for the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. "Some hiring officials may interpret such a directive to mean targeting or excluding workers based on traits related to race, national origin, religion, gender, age or because someone has a disability." Which is, of course, illegal discrimination.

Reinventing your look

Looking fit also seems to be a selling point. Bob S., 47, a former Google manager from Saratoga, Calif., has been looking for an IT management job since June. To help in his job search, he dropped 35 pounds, thanks to bicycling; colored his hair; started wearing contacts to interviews; and now keeps his eyebrows trimmed. (He did not want his full name used for fear of affecting his job search.)

"All these feel vain, but maybe they'll help," he said.

It's not easy for everyone to update their look or lose weight on their own. You may want to enlist the help of a fitness trainer, a stylish friend or even invest some money on a style consultant.

McKnight, who helped revamp Staffieri's image, has gotten so much interest from unemployed New Yorkers that he started a new service for the jobless. He offers a $300, three-hour makeover package, compared to the $150 an hour he usually charges.

For those who want to go it alone, Dallas-based image consultant Kimberly Bohanon offers some simple style tips to help spruce up your look:

• If you haven't updated your wardrobe in several years, invest in some new clothes. Buy quality pieces that are interchangeable.
• Your clothing should fit you well. If you are successful at finding ready-to-wear items off the rack, count yourself lucky. Often, minor alterations are needed in order to achieve optimum fit.
• Well-manicured hands and regularly trimmed hair are a must. If you haven't updated your hairstyle in many years, it's time to consider making some changes.
• Wrinkled or stained clothing look highly unprofessional.
• For many, shoes are a go-to accessory that add class and give insight to one's personality.

Oh, the shoes. They can mean more than you think.

Dawn Gum, managing partner at Interior Architecture & Design in Research Triangle Park, N.C., recalls interviewing an entry-level applicant who had a great portfolio. She also had on a great pair of pea-green pumps with brown leather detailing.

"She got the job, and we've joked with her ever since that we hired her because of her shoes," she said.( msn.com )

READ MORE - Time for Extreme Makeover?

It's Been 10 Years Since My Last Job Search

It's Been 10 Years Since My Last Job Search... What do I do? ... It's been 26 years since Rick Hingst, 54, has looked for work. Kama Linden, 39, hasn't job hunted for 10 years. And Diana Macfee, 40, has been out of the work force for 12 years.

Now they are joining the millions of people looking for work after a several-year hiatus.

For such reasons as getting laid off, working after retirement or returning to work after a period of stay-at-home parenting, those who have been absent from the job search for a long time are finding themselves running into a problem: The process has changed.

"Many people who are jumping back into the job market, especially after they have taken a hiatus, need to get clarity on their core value propositions, who they are as leaders and how they can best convey this through their résumés and in a job interview," says Greg Selker, president and CEO of Selker Leadership, an executive search and leadership consulting company.

Easier said than done.

Times, they are a-changin'

Let's be honest -- job searching is not what it was 10, 15 or even two years ago. Despite what's going on in the economy, job seekers are bombarded with changes in technology, social networking sites, virtual career fairs, advice blogs and more.

The Internet has indeed added a whole new dimension to the job search for Hingst, who accepted an early retirement offer in November 2008 after 24 years of service. But, he says he doesn't know if it's necessarily better.

"It is a handy tool for doing research on companies, careers and seeing what jobs are available out there, but it can also eat up a lot of your time and yield no results," he says.

He says he likes that the Internet allows him to reconnect and network with people on social networking sites such as LinkedIn.

Macfee, who's returning to work after staying home to raise her daughter for the past 11 years, agrees that online networking has made her job search more productive and -- gasp! -- more enjoyable.

"Today, job seekers have an amazing support tool [through] online networks. [They] can research or [ask questions about] a company through various social media tools and determine if the company is a right fit before submitting a résumé or engaging in a string of interviews," Macfee says. "Job seekers, recruiters and industry professionals can easily connect through social media and offer resources to one another, leads and tips."

Ultimate challenge

Though changes in the job search over the years have given workers some advantages, they have also posed several challenges.

After learning that the fitness company she works for is cutting the classes she instructs, Linden has applied for numerous jobs in her field. Her search has come up short, as she's found that all the relevant jobs require more schooling and loans that she just doesn't want to take out.

Hingst finds that getting through to actual people in the company is the biggest challenge he's facing. Additionally, he says it's maddening not hearing anything back from employers as to why he wasn't hired.

"It is frustrating when you apply for a position and you receive no feedback as to why you were rejected," he says. "Was I overqualified ... or did they just not like the font style on my résumé?"

Markell Steele, career counselor with Futures in Motion, says that a common problem she sees among out-of-practice job seekers is their lack of focus and the tendency to keep their options wide open.

"They don't want to limit themselves and think that by being open to anything they will catch the most opportunities. They also think this will show them to be open-minded and flexible," she says. "Rather than demonstrating their expertise and breadth of knowledge, they demonstrate that they know a lot about a little."

Eric Barron, president of Eric Barron Live, says a pattern he's seen among rusty job seekers is how poorly they are able to clearly articulate how the new company will benefit by hiring them.

"They need to pay less attention to the details on their résumés and focus more on making a connection with the person doing the hiring," he says, adding that the hiring manager "must be able to get to know you and the personality strengths you bring to the position."

"Remember, human beings are still doing the hiring, where emotions can play a major role. Those that take the time to bring their qualifications and personality to life will have a clear advantage."

If your job seeking skills are a little out of practice, follow these tips from the experts to find your footing in your next search:

1. Get focused

It's a new world out there and you need to get organized. Start by conducting a personal career inventory, Steele suggests. Analyze your abilities and pay attention to transferable skills, current interests, personality traits and key accomplishments.

When his job search yielded no results, Hingst took stock of everything he's done throughout his career, his accomplishments and abilities. He put together a PowerPoint presentation to help develop his résumé and ended up with another way to sell himself by posting the presentation online.

2. Get organized

Information overload calls for you to get organized. You need to stay focused and pursue what works, says Steve Davies, president of PerfectJob Software. He suggests recording your job search: For each saved piece of information, record what job, person, company or task it is for and why it's important. Additionally, you should track what works, checking which résumés, job sources and referrals result in interviews. Finally, set time limits, he says. Social sites are great for research but can absorb the day.

3. Be flexible

Be open to new opportunities, even if the job title, salary and benefits may not be exactly what you hoped for, says Max Messmer, chairman and CEO of Robert Half International and author of "Job Hunting for Dummies, 2^nd Edition." "Once you get your foot in the door, you will have a chance to prove yourself."

4. Work with a professional

"Staffing professionals can be your eyes and ears in the job market," Messmer says. "Recruiters also provide useful feedback on your résumé and interview skills, and help you locate full time and temporary jobs."

5. Get connected

The Internet has changed the job search and created many opportunities for job seekers to showcase their expertise, Steele says. Employers also have easier access to qualified candidates.

"Increasingly, recruiters are using tools such as Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn to identify candidates. If you're serious about your job search, you need to set up complete, professional profiles and get connected to opportunities." ( msn.com )

READ MORE - It's Been 10 Years Since My Last Job Search

Hon, I Love You But...

Hon, I Love You But... Hey, it's hard to be honest with your partner sometimes. Why tell the person you love something that might make them unhappy? (Well, because if you decide, “I’ll just keep this to myself” all the time, you're going to implode.) Here's how to be straight up without chucking that sensitivity chip.

Don't publicize it.

Your spouse doesn’t want to hear it’s high time they cut back on the beer -- but it will be a lot easier to handle if you suggest skipping the suds more often when it’s just the two of you at home as opposed to crying out, “Not for him!” when the waiter offers you refills during dinner with another couple.

Time it right.

News (particularly bad news) can take some time to process. If you know your partner has a big meeting the next morning, right before he goes to sleep isn’t the moment to reveal that you're dead sure that his mother has never liked you and you’d prefer she didn’t come to visit. Um, ever.

Don’t stall.

If the issue is financial concerns or other time-sensitive matters, pipe up now, because the perfect moment will never come. Better they know about a broken budget now than find out by seething over late penalties on your credit card bills.

Be quick.

It’s like ripping off a Band-Aid -- do it fast and simple. If you’re admitting a bummer of your own (“My account is overdrawn”), over-talking can seem like you’re making excuses. If it’s something that can be construed as criticism (“It would be great if you tried foreplay”), yammering on about it will just make them feel attacked.

Clean up your own backyard.

Uh, is it really fair to hit your spouse below the belt if you've excess baggage of your own? If you don’t have your own bad habits under control, prepare get that criticism hurled back in your face. So reframe it: If it's obvious that you both need to take better care of yourselves physically, say, “I think we should start hitting the gym.” They may still gripe, but at least they’ll know you're in it together. ( thenest.com )

READ MORE - Hon, I Love You But...

Married to a Metrosexual

Married to a Metrosexual. I married a man who used bar soap to wash his hair. But in less than four years of marriage, my formerly rugged he-man has turned into a deep conditioner-loving, hot stone massage-enjoying metro. Don’t believe me? At a party, I overheard Adam saying the best part of his weekly basketball game is the bubble bath afterward.

I fully take the blame. The poor man has been marinating in beauty ever since he met me! I’m a former beauty editor and started my own blog called Shake Your Beauty (on ShakeYourBeauty.com), so being fascinated by cosmetics is part of my job. At first, he thought the whole thing was hilarious. “Why is a body scrub necessary in life, Tia? Don’t you need your skin?” Then he'd roll his eyes and go back to ESPN.

But all that changed one fateful night a few summers ago. To celebrate their new overnight cream, a legendary skin care brand invited beauty editors and their plus-ones to spend the night at a swanky hotel room stocked with their very best products. Adam and I had planned to go, but I was traveling for work that day and my flight back home was canceled. The worst part? My cell phone was down and I couldn’t reach Adam! I spent a miserable night in a dingy airport hotel, working myself up into a big stress-fit because Adam was worried sick about his missing wife.

Oh, but I shouldn’t have bothered. An hour after I got home the next morning, Adam swanned through our front door, grinning and looking impossibly radiant. While I’d had the night from hell trying to get back home, he’d slept over at the hotel, lounging around in a plush, terrycloth robe and sampling a variety of face masks, shower gels and body oils. “My life has changed,” he announced, and then he spent a half hour raving about the brilliance of toner. Yes, toner.

From that day on, Adam had a newfound appreciation—no, obsession—with all things pampering. I’m still irritated about the whole hotel weekend fiasco, but I must admit, I do love that I can share my excitement over a fabulous new Kiehl’s product or seaweed serum with my husband. I just wish he’d stop stealing my conditioner. ( thenest.com )

READ MORE - Married to a Metrosexual

Four Secrets to a Hotter Relationship

Four Secrets to a Hotter Relationship.Take your relationship from simmerin' to smokin' with these tips.

1. Flirt like it’s your first night together.

Think back to those early days of dating. Every laugh, lingering look, or under-the-table leg brush was a guaranteed goose bump-giver. Well, you can turn back the clock to that supercharged state by making a simple shift: Start flirting again. If you’re at a party, slink away, get a couple of drinks, and flirtatiously introduce yourself like you’re strangers. It may take him a second to catch on, but once he does, it’ll set a sexier tone for the rest of the night -- and remind you both that there’s still a lot to discover about each other.

2. Make your significant other do a double-take.

That’s one of the brilliant things about being a couple -- being so at ease in each other’s company. But there’s a line between being comfortable and letting yourselves go. (Hint: If you frequently show up to the dinner table in sweaty gym gear or go to bed with zit cream and prickly cactus legs, you’re guilty as charged.) Break out that lingerie crammed in the back of your drawer. Wear something backless. Shave and put on a nicer shirt than usual when you go out to dinner. It’s about showing your significant other that they’re still worth looking sexy for.

3. Try something new (channel surfing doesn’t count).

You love your routine, so why mess? Well, shaking things up every once in a while keeps the zsa-zsa-zsu in your relationship. According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, couples who participated in activities that they both considered highly exciting but moderately pleasant had a bigger boost in satisfaction than those who did activities that were highly pleasant but moderately exciting. Check out a concert you’d never think to get tickets for, or explore a totally different part of town. The adrenaline rush will be an aphrodisiac.

4. Pounce…even when you’re not in the mood.

Skipping the most intimate act you two could possibly enjoy together, you’re not doing your relationship any favors. Here’s why: Intercourse and orgasms trigger oxytocin, the “love hormone,” to be released in your bodies, which makes you feel incredibly fused as a couple. Sex is also the gift that keeps on giving: The more you do it, the more you’ll want to do it, so it actually stokes desire. So set that alarm clock a little earlier for wake-up action, and put down that pint of mocha pecan postdinner and enjoy another kind of bedroom treat (better yet, bring in the ice cream too). You don’t need Olympic-level performances -- just enough enthusiasm to get that mojo going. ( thenest.com )

READ MORE - Four Secrets to a Hotter Relationship